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Happy 40th Birthday Roger!

I wanted to do something special for our Rog, to celebrate his big birthday…

But what do you get for the man who has it all? . . and makes James Bond look like a walking cliché.

If you ever met him, you’d see he’s a leader not a follower, who stands out from the crowd instead….

Although this is partially because he’s so bloody tall, he towers over everybodys heads.

He’s the kind of guy other men want to be, with the cash, the style, and the great life….

He lives the champagne lifestyle to such a degree, that he found someone called bubbles to be his wife.

Occasionally people have compared him to 007, and I can see why this might be true…..

He even has an Aston martin on the drive, and Miss Moneypenny can’t tell who is who.

In his down time he likes to work out and play sport, as part of his quest to stay number one….

He wants to look good when he emerges from the sea, so does workouts with his trainer John.

But it’s not all work and no play for Rog….that would make him dull which he’s certainly not.

Intelligent and funny, he likes relaxing in the pub, drinking lots of bitter and talking a lot.

So he’s got the wife, the kids, and the house in France, and his awesomeness is plain for all to see,

And the cherry on the top of his fabulous cake, is that he even gets to be friends with me!!

So Happy 40th Birthday Rog, a better man you could not hope to find,

But please try to not get any better in your 40’s, or you’ll leave all us normal folk behind!!


Andy the Animal

My boyfriend Andy is really quite gorgeous..I would eat him if I were a cannibal,

He has a lot of unique traits, that remind me of different animals.

Firstly he is rather a big boy, if he were an elephant he’s lead the herd,

Yet somehow he manages to move oh so gracefully, like an ever so slightly gay bird.

He’s definitely an Alpha male, providing for me, by building my nest and my chairs…

I can’t actually breather when he lays on me, because he ways as much as a large bear.

He worships the sun like lizards do, and wouldn’t be too hot in Rowanda,

Unfortunatley he doesn’t like wearing sun cream, so ends up like a patchy little panda.

I love it when he first wakes up for the day, and looking at him makes my heart feel whole,

He lloks all pink and crinkly eyed, like a newborn chubby mole.

Best of all I like it, when he acts like a Tiger, and drags me on into his den,

He growls in my ear like the leader of the herd, and tells me I’m 10 out of 10.

But of all the animals I’ve likened him too, I’m hoping we are like penguins together,

We’ll waddle along through the ice rink of life,

And can’t fly away, so I guess we’re forverer.

xx


Mr and Mrs Smith 
(a wedding speech)

When Hannah first met Robert, it wasn’t quite love at first sight, More of a spark when he looked her way so shsaid…Unfortunately at this point I don’t think she realised, he was checking out an Audi TT instead.

But after a while, he started to pay more attention, and became increasingly intrigues by her sleep interior…..once he even offered to take her for a test drive, though I’m sure his motive wasn’t ulterior.

And so it began that feelings started to build up, and for some time these feelings they did fight…But it soon became obvious with Robs unsubtle flirting, and Hannahs work outfits becoming increasingly tight.

Now she told us all about him, as her ‘manager’ at work, that he was quite sexy, and brought her much laughter…we all assumed it was simply a flirtation, and probably a promotion she was after.

PLEASE NOTE that Hannah was subsequently promoted, but we have been advised by HR this had absolutely nothing to do with her banging the boss.

Now I won’t go into ‘too much’ detail with parents present, about how they eventually moved from colleagues to more…suffice to say that when doing ‘overtime’ one day, they weren’t doing admin behind the closed door.

Not long afterwards she came to us all, and said girls ‘this is it. I’ve met the one’….but as she often fell quite quickly, we assumed this was likely a con.

But then finally the day came, when she introduced him to us all, and he wasn’t at all what we thought…he was actually really lovely and tasty…just like all the drinks that he bought.

Seeing how they were together was utterly revealing, and it became obvious that these feelings were intense…5 minutes later they set up home together, and everything suddenly made sense.

And here we are almost 4 years later, and Rob has finally made the best decision he ever could…He gets to keep the most amazing woman on earth, which in his own words make life ‘sehr gut’.

We cannot quite believe our girl has gotten married, and do wonder if life will ever be the same…we are so very happy she’s got everything she wished for, including a double-barreled name.

And all that we ask of Rob, is that he takes incredibly good care of her always, and cherishes this princess he gets to kiss…whilst your at it, it would also be great if you can still pick us all up at 2am when we’re pissed.

And to Hannah, we ask that you remember a Rob always needs a lady Marion, to help him steal from the rich to give to the poor…together you can keep on ripping off flash buggars for fast cars, but could do better at sharing out the profit a little more.

For me personally, I don’t believe in ‘perfect’ couples, just those who bring out the best in each other…where something just ‘fits’, they act like a team, and are best friends as well as lovers.

And I’m pretty sure that love would have a much better reputation, if all couples fitted together like this…so I would ask you all to ‘please raise your glasses’ to Mr and Mrs Talman Smith!


Happy 40th Linde-la!!

I Can’t quite believe it’s been 33 years, Since I first laid eyes on Linde-la,

And now she’s turning the big 4-0, Just in time for her best year so far.

We bonded over a mutual love of building, and our camps were by far the best in town,

In fact Linde-la loved hers so very much that 2 years later it still hadn’t come down.

I remember so well, those 2 little girls playing, and dreaming of reaching lifes peak,

The time I came over and it snowed so much, that I ended up staying the whole week!

I knew way back then that she would go on to be special, behind her blonde innocence there was a twinkle in her eye,

What she wanted she would no doubt get, and her ambitions were indeed sky high.

She grew into the most beautiful woman, and proved herself to be the real deal,

Popping out 4 babies, building 2 houses, and making an honest man of the very lovely Neil.

And even though now she’s turning 40, she isn’t even contemplating cocoa in bed,

In fact she’s decided to rent out her house, and take the family travelling instead!

She is still the same little girl, and teenager I knew, smoking rollups and speaking her mind,

The shy, hot blonde who could take on the world, she truly is one of a kind.

So Happy 40th and Happy world travelling, to the Linde-la we all love and adore,

And if in a few months you end up stranded on a desert island, yours are the best hands to be in for sure.


Happy Birthday Pete

We wanted to give a birthday treat, to a man who is much loved by many. We thought of gifts such as cars or booze, but we’re tight and this way doesn’t cost a penny.

So here it is, our ode to Pete, Or you might prefer ‘Petey’ or ‘Pee-wee’, Either way we will know who it was, that found a German plant pot in which to do a wee-wee.

Yes that’s right, our Pete is a man of pure class, who conducts himself smoothly and surely, Apart from the time when his mojo let him down, and his Renualt 5 blew up in the High Street in Crawley.

And of course we have to mention Sue, his loving and patient wife, Whom he picked from the hundreds he might have chose, Including the girl who worked in naughty shop, that sold edible pants and big pink d&*^%s.

When our brave Pete is around, people feel safe, like there’s nothing at all to be feared, Although he acts like a scared little boy if Sue catches him playing with his beard.

So what else can we say about the one and only Pete? Well he’s accident prone for certain, Who could forget that time in Munich, when he had a fight with the shower curtain?

And then of course there’s the time he drank far too much, and never quite recovered from the 
shame, as for the cat, who got puked on…well she’s never really been quite the same.

But aside from these 1 or 2 incidents, mostly our Pete does just fine, He is happiest watching Tottenham play, or increasing his windshields shine.

He really loves his kitty Cats, Pickle and Pumpkin, and on the weekends a tipple or two, Unless he’s on a short-haul flight, when only 2 bottles will do.

So that’s our Pete, the one and only, husband, brother and friend,

May all your birthdays be better than the last, and the amazingness that is you never end.

The Story of Nicky & Tijs – A Wedding Poem

This story first began around 14 years ago, when their wedding was just a far off dream…He was the rubgy player, with paintbrush in hand, and she the Grade A Beauty Queen.    On paper you never would have put them together…Nicky usually dated pretty boy Hussys, And Tijs was known for choosing beer over ladies, so was usually too blind drunk to be fussy.

But there was something about Nicky that had caught his attention…he was determined to win his maiden ‘oh so fair’..Was it her smile? Her Queen bee status? I’m sure it had nothing to do with her world famous pair. To start with their romance was slightly stop-start, as Tijs busted out his best moves to try and woo her…I think the fact it only took 14 years to pin her down , goes to show he is quite the smooth mover!

Anyway, eventually this flirtation turned into more, and Nicky surrendered to this unusual knight in shining armour…they spent all their time locked in a love nest together, surrounded by waifs and crazy dutch farmers. And it turned out that they had more in common than first thought, with super close families to support them through lifes stresses…They had both grown up loving lots of the same things, including running wild in pretty dresses.

They were both into sports, with competitive streaks….and indulged in extra curricular activities you might label as ‘kinky’….at this point I’m not going to embarrass the bride, but will say that Tijs used to wear a matchbox on his winky. After a few intense years of teenage romance, their lives began to pull them in separate ways…as the distant grew wider and life got in the middle…it would seem their love may now have seen its final days.

Nicky moved up North, to learn how the normal folk live, and pursue her dreams of becoming a film producing Queen..Tijs travelled the world, discovered his true self…then skipped off to Brighton to try out the gay scene. For many years it looked as though ‘that were that’, as their lives continued to be acted out apart. But every now and again, they would end up in the same place, and the rumour mill would eventually start…

They both tried to deny there was anything to it, and our repeated meddling seemed destined to go to waste….but the lovelorn locks and fluttering eyelashes said different….surely Nicky HAD to be with Tijs?! Then finally one summers day, as we were all losing hope…we took Nicky and her red dress off to the races. Tijs was there, and the moment had arrived, as their love wrote itself all over their faces.

They spent the rest of the day happily entwined, and it became obvious that Tijs had this one in the bag…he whipped out his phone, called up a taxi, and whisked her back to his for a….chat. Maybe it was always supposed to happen this way. To make them realise who was really ‘the one’. That missing each other made them what they are now…because you don’t always know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

I guess that love will inevitably change a person, and affect the roads and paths that they choose…I never thought Nicky would have her wedding next to a cow shed, or that Tijs would rock a folding bike, or a pair of deck shoes. To me, I class them as a pretty perfect couple….if I were lesser person they might actually make me quite sick. He’s the handsome entrepreneur with a big pair of muscles…who made Nicky a barn with some hard graft and bricks.

She’s the amazing career girl, who can out-cook Nigella, with an extraordinarily pair of legs….she’s beautiful, smart, kind and funny…she bloody well makes her own scotch eggs. So there you have it…the perfect married couple….who couldn’t hide their feelings though they tried to pretend. It’s been many many years of ‘will they or won’t they’, but they got their in the end!

I hope that your future is one of incredible happiness,I hope that life gives you far more good times than bad, I hope for Tijs he never takes Nicky for granted, I hope for Nicky Tijs ends up as hot as his Dad.

So please all join me in raising your glasses…to toast a couple who have promised each other their forever…Mr & Mrs Bauer who proved if it’s meant to be it will happen…and that it is always better to be late then never!


31 Things about Katie

I wanted to do something special for Katie Engwell, to celebrate the fact she's not yet 32, So I made a list of all the things we love about her, and it’s called ‘31 things about you.’.

No 1 is the fact that we all call her the WAG and she smiles proudly because she knows that it's true,

No 2 is that underneath her sexy dresses, she wears pants that could fit both her kids in too.

No 3 is the way she's super motivated at the gym and goes to class after class,

No 4 is the fact that she doesn't even pretend to enjoy it, and just wants to maintain her magnificent arse.

No 5 is the fact that she's a truly brilliant friend to have, one who will always be there at the drop off a hat. No 6 if you ‘’what's app’’ her, it takes only 3 seconds for her to write back.

No 7 that she's likely the best shopper the world has ever seen,, in less than hour she can buy 5 outfits,….all suitable for someone who's age fourteen.

No 8 is the way she does all the DIY and thinks nothing of putting up a shelf, No 9 is the way she managed to marry a man who is even prettier than she is herself.

No 10 the way she always has her camera out and takes more photos than anyone I know, No 11 is the fact that i'm never  in them, apart from the occasional one of my toe.

No 12 is the fact that even though she looks so girly, inside she is incredibly strong, No 13 is the way she's so honest…and has no problem saying if she thinks you are wrong.

No 14 is the fact she's so ridiculously patient and is calm when she really should shout…like when Adrian decided to have a leisurely shower, when baby rose had her head hanging out,

No 15 the way she knows what she wants, and makes damn sure she'll get it, which is why if her hubby doesn't buy her fake grass, he will probably live to regret it.

No 16 the way she's made such beautiful young girls, who both look so much like their mummy, No 17 that even though she's had two, she's managed to end up with a flat tummy.

No 18 is her lovely eyelashes, no 19 the way she refuses brunette, No 20 the way that when we go swimming, she manages never to get her hair wet.

No 21 is the way she's self-assured, but not arrogant in the slightest, No 22 that she brought special dental strips, to ensure that her teeth were the whitest.

No 23 that she puts her kids first, and always does stuff with them in mind, No 24 the way she dances and shouts 'freedom' on the rare occasions she leaves them behind.

No 25 is the way she's so true to her man, and would tell any other to get on their bike, No 26 is there's one exception to that rule,, which happens if she's watching magic mike.

No 27 that with her, what you see is what you get, and she's genuine from her head to her toes, No 28 the fact she made the worlds first stunt baby the day she had the one and only little Rose.

No 29 that she owns a bouncy castle, which keeps the kids happy for 5 minutes at a push, No 30 the fact that she would probably commit murder if anyone falls on her lovely new bush.

No 31 she has the full package, she's not just pretty she's also very funny,….and that is why she's achieved the ultimate squad goal,, and is now part of team 'Very Hot Mummy’